A Rough Road

I was really hoping to do an update post saying that despite the rough start, Taylor is now fully adjusted to Kindergarten.

It’s just not happening.

Things are going so poorly, in fact,  that we are going to try moving her back to her old school.

Ironically, when we were considering Taylor’s kindergarten options, we were told that she could stay at that school.  Then we were told she had to go to the school in our community.

No problem there, because the school system and their autism program are wonderful.

But, unfortunately, all the changes (read: new school, new people, new schedule) are proving to be more than she can handle.

Now, here we are, more than halfway through the school year, and now we are looking at sending her back.

This time around we’re going about it slowly.  She is going to visit her potential new classroom every Thursday (in the afternoon, she’s already in that building in the morning for swim and gym) for the month of March.

I am a bit apprehensive, though.

This apprehension is not something I’m holding back, I’ve fully voiced it with her teachers and therapists.

I’m all for Taylor going back to her old school, if she adjusts well.  But the thing is, this is the last school year that that school will be open.  Another school is being built to replace this school.  It opens this fall.

So, come September, she would be starting in another new building.  Same people/teachers, but new building.

Therein lies my apprehension.

We already dumped her in one new building, with new people and we know how badly that turned out.

I just don’t want to move her, only to move her again  and have her really shut down.

*sigh*

Sometimes I feel that I am so totally not cut out for this.

That’s when I step back, take a deep breath, and think to myself  “Everything happens for a reason.”

I just wish I knew what the reason was.

 

Color Me Frustrated

I don’t tend to complain much on my blogs.  But today, I need to vent!  So why am I venting on my autism blog and not my other blog? 

This frustration is autism based.

I’m just going to get it out there.

Sometimes I hate the fact that Taylor has autism.  HATE IT!  I’m screaming it from the rooftops here, people!

But, to back up a second, I have accepted it.  It’s been almost three years since her diagnosis.  But that doesn’t mean I have to like it.

I have to mention another thing, too, so I am not misconstrued.  Taylor being autistic does not and won’t ever change how I feel about her.  M’kay??

Okay, back to my rant.

Potty training has been hell.  Two. Years. Of. Hell.  She’s regressed a lot in the last couple of months.  She was doing so well.  She was having dry days and a few dry nights here and there.  She had no problem going in the potty and things were going well.

Now it just sucks.  She pees her pants all the time.  No matter how many times I take her to the potty, I never seem to catch her.  Pooing is another story.  I know when she’s got to go.  She has a spot that she retreats to when she has to go.  Then I march her into the bathroom just to have her sit there and do nothing. 

Then you have days like today where I put her on the potty 3 times in the course of an hour just to have her sneak off and poo herself in the 2 minutes I took to put her sister down for a nap.  I KNEW she had to go! GAH!!

Another thing that’s really bugging the crap out of me right now really has nothing to do with her or her mannerisms.  It other people.  Morons that stare at her like she’s an alien or something.  It never used to happen that much, but now that she’s older, her actions are being more scrutinized. 

When we were at the fair a couple of weeks ago, some guy stared at her (she was stimming at the time…it does look strange, but I’m used to it) for like 2 minutes as he was walking past (okay, maybe not 2 minutes, but it sure felt like it!)  I wanted to walk up to him and smack him on the back of the head and say “She’s autistic!  Got a problem with that!?”

Of course I could never do that, but man, I wanted to!

Taylor is 5 now.  How are people going to react to her when she’s 10? 15? 20? when obviously her her behaviors are going to be really out of place.  I realize that there will be improvement, but I have no idea what she’ll be like that far down the road.

There are so many things that I wonder about when it comes to her.

What is her quality of life going to be?

Will she be able to care for herself?

Will she go to the prom?

Will she ever marry?  Have children of her own?

There’s so much that I’m leaving to the unknown right now.  And it’s scary.

Do you have any idea how much I pray for a cure?

I just love her so much, it hurts to not be able to understand her.  To hear her voice. 

But, if  she never does speak, I don’t have any problem with being her voice. 

She will be heard.